I can’t hear you…
Like many of us, I’ve been heartbroken over and over again with all the violence committed against others, especially already marginalized groups. I know this isn’t a new thing, but it’s become much more in our faces with all the access to technology.
And by violence, I don’t just mean physical assault or killing. Violence can exist in our thoughts, our words, and all other actions depending on our intention behind them. Overall there seems to be a massive lack of respect for diversity, other points of view, and others in general.
“Deep down, we all just want to be loved and understood.”
I don’t know that I have the perfect solution to this, but it has gotten me thinking about how mindless we can be toward others.
If we want healthy relationships with people, we have to practice mindfulness in our interactions with them, just as we would in all other areas of life. Deep down, we all just want to be loved and understood, and being mindful of others is how we’re able to both give and receive that love and understanding.
So how do we stay present with others?
Especially when they’re pissing us off. Or we’re bored by them. Or having some other unpleasant experience with them. Or not even having an unpleasant experience. Being present with others is pretty darn hard no matter what.
I have a few suggestions that when practiced regularly will absolutely transform your interactions and relationships with everyone you encounter.
Be aware of and interested in whoever’s around us.
We shouldn’t be on our phones or multitasking, but rather we should wholly focus on who we’re with. Put that phone on silent and out of sight. No one likes to be with someone who’s on their phone or distracted by something else.
Stay in the present moment, listening completely.
And use our other senses to have a complete experience of the other person (or people) rather than rehearsing in our minds what we’re going to say next.
Now, I know this is really difficult. I supremely struggle with listening when I’m bored, or angry. So what I do to try to combat this is to repeat back to myself, in my head, word for word what the other person is saying.
I also try to go into every interaction with the intention to learn something from the person. So it becomes almost like a game, or challenge, to find that bit of information that’s going to enlighten me. And you’d be surprised by how often people become much more interesting when we set that tone at the beginning. As well, we often feel more connected no matter how the interaction started off.
Take the focus off of ourselves and put it onto others.
This is particularly helpful when we’re experiencing social anxiety. Usually when we’re nervous we get stuck in our heads, our thoughts ruminate, and they aren’t usually helpful ones. But when we focus on others, our nerves fade away and we often find ourselves having a much better time than we thought we would. Who’da thought?!
“But when we focus on others, our nerves fade away and we often find ourselves having a much better time than we thought we would.”
Be open to new information about others.
This can be quite hard to do with people we have much of a history with, but it’s so worth it. It allows us to see people through fresh eyes rather than expect them to be as we’ve experienced them in the past. This is important if we want to have a different experience with them.
Notice judgmental thoughts and let them go.
We all have them, it’s okay. Try not to get caught up in them and don’t judge yourself for judging others or that pattern will get stuck on repeat like a record skipping. (And be equally annoying!) Simply notice them and let them pass. They’re just thoughts, like any other thought. This opens us up to being curious about others rather than closing us off to the experience by thinking we already know everything (or anything). Why did they say what they said? Why did they do what they did?
I remember my third grade teacher telling my class, “Never assume. It makes an ass out of you and me.” I was definitely more amused that she’d used the word ass, but still, that sentiment has stuck with me all these years.
Put that phone away!
Pretend to be a detective, journalist, or scientist and replace judgmental thoughts and words with descriptive words instead. This allows us to see situations and people as they actually are, rather than adding our own interpretations and stories. This also encourages us to check the facts before jumping to conclusions.
We can’t actually observe anyone else’s thoughts, motives, intentions, feelings, emotions, desires, or experiences. We can only observe what we see, hear, smell, touch, and taste in relation to our interactions with them. So we need to be careful with our guessing. It’s natural to judge and assume, but if we can be aware of it, we can remind ourselves that we don’t know for sure if they’re true. We can always ask the people we’re with if we’re right, but just assuming without fact checking, often creates problems. I mean, we’ve all been on social media with all it’s glorious fact-based memes, am I right?
Don’t question others’ motives.
Unless we have a very good reason to do so. Give others the benefit of the doubt until we know better. We’d want the same We think we know people, but we can never know everything about anyone else.
“Don’t be a wallflower. Get on that dance floor. ”
Give up always wanting to be right.
This is a hard one, but there really are as many different ways of looking at a situation as there are people. This doesn’t mean we shouldn’t stand up for what we believe in, set boundaries to keep us safe, or come to the rescue when others are being harmed, but that’s quite different than being right. Learning the balance between letting go of being right and being assertive will have a hugely positive impact on relationships.
Throw ourselves into experiences with others.
Don’t be a wallflower. Get on that dance floor. Have conversations. Flirt. Play games. (Fun, healthy games, not damaging ones.) Do projects. Help those who need help. And be fully present in every activity. Again, stay off that device. Don’t gossip. Don’t wish you were somewhere else. Even if you wish you were somewhere else. Because you aren’t somewhere else. Be where you are with whoever is there, participating fully. Or mindfully choose to leave if you believe you’ll have a more fulfilling experience elsewhere.
Being fully present with others can lead to great fun!
Go with the flow.
Don’t try to control the flow. As humans, we love to try to control everything and everyone, which only makes people not want to be around us. No one really likes to be told what to do. At least not for long. This doesn’t mean don’t ever lead or take charge, but know when to do that and when to let others. It’s like a dance. Sometimes you lead, sometimes you follow. Mindfulness helps us know when to do either.
Again, this doesn’t mean that we have to put up with being treated poorly or violently by others who aren’t being mindful. Or watch as others are treated that way. But when we’re mindful of what’s truly going on, we’re able to handle those situations in the best possible way to protect ourselves and others. And create a more peaceful world as a result.
Okay, so maybe I do have the answer.
Mindfulness!
Being mindful in our relationships isn’t easy, but it’s the first thing we need to do to create more rewarding connections with others. When we’re present we can more easily make choices that bring us together rather than create more separation, which is what we need most right now.